The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly
From self-care to foolish vices: How I’ve survived nearly a year in ‘lockdown’
Next month I will have spent one year primarily confined within the walls of my home, where I live alone save for my dogs’ bi-monthly visits (I share custody with my ex-wife). I recognize that my challenges are not particularly unique, and that I am more fortunate than many. After all, I have my job, my health, and a roof over my head.
I realize that parents of school-aged children are facing stressors I can’t begin to fathom. I know that many have lost loved ones to COVID-19. I know that countless women and men feel trapped in abusive relationships that suddenly seem even more difficult to escape. I know that hundreds of thousands of local business owners have watched everything they’ve built crumble before their eyes, through no faults of their own. I’ve seen the footage of exhausted medical workers on the front lines. And I’ve seen the surging homelessness in my home community of Sacramento.
Still, I have not emerged from this pandemic unscathed. In addition to knowing people who have been affected by all of the things I listed above, I also struggled with the pervasive sadness and anxiety of the era. Very much a social creature, I suddenly found myself isolated the majority of the time. I am not here to complain, however, about my personal struggle. Instead, I’m here to remind myself and anyone else who may need to hear it that it’s OK to feel how you felt or feel. Vulnerability, depression, stress … no one can invalidate these human responses you may be having.
It’s also OK to do what you need to do — so long as you are not hurting yourself or others — to get you through the darkest of these times. And in that spirit, I am going to share a few of the self-care (and sometimes self-medicating) strategies I’ve employed to keep me going, day after day. They don’t all make me look like a Saint, and some are certainly embarrassing, but they are my truth, the good, the bad, and the ugly.
The Ugly
Watched excessive and potentially toxic amounts of CNN, often curled up in the fetal position on my couch. Election night — er week, er month — was a nervous wreck. On January 6, I paced the living room, shouting frantically at the images on the television, all whilst rapid-fire texting friends and family. I began drinking at noon that day; I could barely keep my wits about me. I never felt so fractured.
On January 2, 2021, I listened on my staticky end of the phone to the tortured sobs of a father who had lost his 26 year old son in a tragic hiking accident. I sat motionless for two hours in a dazed shock.
I screamed.
The Bad?
I learned the name — and rather mundane life details — of the Taco Bell morning shift drive-thru employee. His band is really coming along, as was my waist band for a while there.
Got stoned and shoveled mouthfuls of fresh Lox with my bare hands over the kitchen sink. Simultaneously sipping cold water from the faucet, I may or may not have spent several seconds imagining I was an Alaskan Grizzly, all while my dogs eyed me with one part confused fascination, one part envy. (Eventually I shared!)
Learned the names of several pandemic-era porn stars. Like the progressive nerd I am, literally researched the “entertainers” to ensure filming conditions were non-exploitative (even female-led).
Browser history cleared for no reason whatsoever; it’s not like anyone needed to use my laptop in 2020! 😬 (Don’t judge me: the stats verify that most of you reading this did precisely the same, with or without the accompanying nerd research.)
On a cold, rainy morning (around 6 am), faced with a daunting “stack” of online grading, I treated myself by spending $20 (user fees + generous tip) on a DoorDash delivery Noah’s Bagel Sandwich. Regular price = $7. Distance from home = 3/4 mile.
Memorized Netflix. OK, maybe not the entirety of the Netflix catalogue but Schitt’s Creek (three times), Kim’s Convenience, Arrested Development (for the 10,045th time), The Social Dilemma (which evoked guilt, which I posted about on Facebook after watching), My Octopus Teacher, The Queen’s Gambit, The Great British Baking Show, Bridgerton, Stranger Things (I was late to the game!), and at least three dozen obscure standup comedians. Channeled all of this into useful knowledge to share with friends in the guise of Entertainment reviews … on Facebook. Ewww, David!
Went to the grocery store in 49'ers pajama pants, a Lion King t-shirt, a Pokemon hat, Christmas-themed slippers. On more than one occasion.
The Good
Got back outside. Like millions of Americans this past year, I took to the trails, rivers, beaches, and streets. I kayaked brackish waters near Point Reyes with a best friend, and tubed down the American River on several other occasions. During the early height of the lockdowns, I spent four hours traversing empty downtown Sacramento, absorbing the surreal solitude of the typically vibrant center. Got my running mileage and pace back up to near peak fitness levels.
Showed up. Attended Black Lives Matter protests, including an emotionally powerful ‘die-in’ outside of the mayor’s home in Sacramento. I screamed portions of the Bill of Rights at a line of police officers at the State Capitol. I upped my donations to the NAACP, Exonerated Nation (founded by a close friend who was wrongfully convicted in Los Angeles County), and the Southern Poverty Law Center. And I’m still listening for what more I can do as an ally.
Started a podcast. Created a new literary magazine with a remarkable group of dedicated students. Read new books, returned to old faves, and completed thousands of new words of original writing. Danced with my Labrador in the living room (she’s got decent moves!). Made homemade pizzas. Hosted virtual happy hours with friends. (Oh, I got by with a lot of help from my friends!) Meditated. Tried yoga (my apologies for my years of teasing; that is a legit exercise that leaves one sore!). Gave up yoga. Dabbled in online dating. Got stood up. Learned how to let go of people who won’t fit in my life and more readily dismiss negative emotions.
Learned to love again. After my first divorce in 2010, I didn’t give myself sufficient time for self rediscovery, and I too soon found myself in a personally unhealthy relationship. Three years after my second divorce, I’ve taken time for myself, dated with deliberative purpose, kept close watch for red flags, and most importantly, learned to love myself above all else. I won’t claim to know with certainty what the future holds for me in the partner department, but I do have the benefit of hindsight to see that things are looking promising.
I would love to hear about the things that aided you through these stressful, even traumatic 12 months. Feel free to leave a comment with your own self-care practices, coping mechanisms, and vices (feel free to include the embarrassing ones!) below.
If you are feeling depressed and/or suicidal contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 800–273–8255, 24/7. Together we will get through this.
